Captain Pantoja and the Special Service Read online

  “That Service exists only in your corrupt imaginations, my friends,” General Scavino interrupts them, looks at them kindly with paternal affection. “How can you even think of asking for a meeting about such nonsense? If the press finds out about this petition, you won’t have your job for long, Mayor Runhuí.”

  “We are setting a bad example for the civilians, bringing temptation to towns that live in biblical purity,” Father Beltrán suddenly changes his expression. “I hope that when they read this petition, the faces of those strategists in Lima burn with shame.”

  “Listen to this and you’ll be bowled over, Tiger,” General Scavino is squeezing the telephone, reading the petition angrily. “The news has already begun to circulate everywhere. Look at what these old guys in Nauta are asking for. The scandal’s coming down on our heads, just like I kept warning you it would.”

  “What figures you come up with on your fingers?” Lieutenant Bacacorzo raises the piece of chicken and takes a bite. “Like Scavino says, you people in logistics always end up with your mathematical craziness.”

  “Damn these idiots. Before they were protesting because the troops were throwing themselves at their women, and now they’re complaining because they don’t have women to throw themselves at,” Tiger Collazos plays with some blotting paper. “There’s no way to keep them happy. What they like is to protest. Throw them out on the street and don’t accept such dumb-assed requests, Scavino.”

  “Horror of horrors,” Captain Pantoja hangs the napkin on his chest, dresses the salad with oil and vinegar, brandishes his fork and eats. “If they extended the Service to civilians, keeping in mind the male population of the Amazon, the demand would rise from ten thousand to a million monthly services at least.”

  “We’d have to import specialists from abroad,” Lieutenant Bacacorzo finishes off the remains of the meat, leaves the bone perfectly clean, drinks some beer, wipes his mouth and his hands and dreams. “The whole jungle would be converted into one big brothel, and you, in your little office on the Itaya, would be timing that flood of semen with a million stopwatches. Admit that you’d like that, Captain.”

  “You can’t guess what I saw, Pochita,” Alicia puts the basket in the pantry, takes out a package and offers it to Pochita. “In the bakery owned by Abdón Laguna, who’s a ‘brother,’ they’ve started to make bread of the martyr of Moronacocha. They call them boy loaves and people are buying them by the bushel. I brought you one. Look.”

  “I asked you for ten and you bring me twenty,” Pantaleón Pantoja looks over the banister at the straight, curly, brunette, red, chestnut heads. “You think I’m going to spend the whole day examining candidates, Chuchupe?”

  “It’s not my fault,” Chuchupe goes down the stairs holding onto the railing. “Word got around that there were four openings and women from all the districts started coming out of the walls. They even came from San Juan de Munich and Tamshiyaco. What do you want, Mr. Pantoja? All the girls in Iquitos want to work for us.”

  “The truth is I don’t understand it,” Pantaleón Pantoja goes down the stairs behind her, looking at her plump back, gelatinous buttocks, tuberous calves. “They don’t earn much here and there’s too much work. What’s in it for them? That nice guy Porfirio?”

  “The security, Mr. Pantoja,” with her head Chuchupe points toward the multicolored dresses, the groups that buzz like swarms of bees. “There’s no security on the streets. One good day for the ‘washerwomen’ is followed by three bad ones. They never have any vacation and there’s no rest on Sunday.”

  “And Snotnose is a slave driver in his brothels,” Freckle silences them with a whistle and indicates that they’re getting near. “He starves them to death, treats them bad and at the first sign of burning they’re sent home. He doesn’t know what consideration or humanity mean.”

  “Here it’s different,” Chuchupe sweetens, puts her hands in her pockets. “There are always clients, it’s an eight-hour workday and they love the way you’ve got everything so organized. Don’t you see they even put up with the fines without complaining?”

  “Certainly the first day it made me a little apprehensive,” Mother Leonor slices, puts on butter, marmalade, takes a bite and chews. “But what can you do—boy bread is the best in Iquitos. Don’t you think so, son?”

  “Good, we’re going to choose these four,” decides Pantaleón Pantoja. “What are you waiting for, Chino—get them lined up.”

  “Sepalate a little, gils, so you look bettel,” Chino Porfirio takes hold of arms, pushes backs, makes them come forward, go backward, move to the side, arranges, measures. “Little dwalfs in flont and giants in leal.”

  “Here they are, Mr. Pantoja,” Freckle jumps from side to side, demands silence, sets an example of seriousness, lines them up. “In formation, as ordered. Let’s go, girls. Now, left face—show your pretty profiles.”

  “Should come up one by one to youl office fol naked exams?” Chino Porfirio comes up and whispers into his ear.

  “Impossible. It’d put me behind for the whole morning,” Pantaleón Pantoja looks at his watch, reflects, cheers up, takes a step forward and faces them. “I’m going to make a group inspection to save time. All of you, listen carefully: if any of you have objections to undressing in public, get out of line and I’ll see you separately. Nobody? So much the better.”

  “All the men outside,” Chuchupe opens the door to the pier, rouses them, pushes them, returns. “Hurry up, lazybones, didn’t you hear? Sinforoso, Palomino, nurse, Chino. You too, Chupón. Shut that door, Pichuza.”

  “Off with your skirts, blouses, bras, please,” Pantaleón Pantoja puts his hands behind his back and walks very gravely, scrutinizing, weighing, comparing. “You can keep your shoes on, those who are wearing shoes. Now, half turn in place. Exactly. Now, let’s see. A redhead—you. A brunette—you. An Oriental—you. A mulatto—you. All right, vacancies filled. The others, leave your addresses with Chuchupe. Maybe there’ll be another opening soon. Until next time, thanks.”

  “The chosen women be here tomorrow at nine on the dot, for the medical examination,” Chuchupe notes down streets and numbers, accompanies them to the exit, says goodbye. “Remember, girls, wash behind the ears.”

  “Now, let’s see, let’s see. This is served very hot, because if it isn’t, it isn’t as good,” Mother Leonor distributes the bowls of steaming soup. “The famous soup of Loreto. I finally decided to make it. How did it come out, Pocha?”

  “What good taste you showed in choosing them, Mr. Pan-Pan,” the Brazilian smiles with maliciousness, throws off sparks as she looks, croons. “All colors and flavors. Satisfy my curiosity: aren’t you afraid that seeing so much nudity, you’re going to get used to it someday and won’t feel anything for women? They say it happens to some doctors.”

  “It’s very good, Mother Leonor,” Pochita tests the temperature with the tip of her tongue, sips a spoonful. “It’s very similar to what we call fish head soup on the coast.”

  “Are you trying to pull my leg, Brazilian?” Pantaleón Pantoja knits his brow. “I warn you that being a serious man is not the same as being a fool, no mistake about it.”

  “The difference is that all the fish in this soup are from the Amazon, and not the Pacific Ocean,” Mother Leonor fills the bowls again. “Paiche, caribe and gamitana. My, how tasty it is.”

  “It’s you who are mistaken. I’m not pulling your leg, only making a joke,” the Brazilian lowers her eyelashes, grinds her hips, heaves her breasts, changes her tone. “Why don’t you let me be your friend? I hardly open my mouth to you and you get mule-headed, Mr. Pan-Pan. Be real careful. Remember, I’m like a crab—I love to go against the current. If you keep dumping on me so much, I’m going to fall in love with you.”

  “Uf, how hot it makes you!” Pochita fans herself with the napkin, takes her pulse. “Hand me the electric fan, Panta. I’m suffocating.”

  “That heat isn’t from the soup but from our little cadet,” Panta touches her a
bdomen, strokes her cheek. “He must be yawning, stretching. Hey, maybe it’ll be tonight. A good date: March fourteenth.”

  “I hope it’s not before Sunday,” Pochita is looking at the calendar. “So Chichi gets here first. I’d like her here for the birth.”

  “According to my calculations, you’re still not ready,” Mother Leonor perspires, moves her congested face close to the humming blades. “You’ve got at least a week to go.”

  “That’s right, Mother, haven’t you looked at the chart in my room? It should be between today and Sunday,” Panta sucks the fish bones, wipes the plate with a piece of bread, drinks some water. “Did you follow the doctor’s orders? Did you take a little walk today? With your constant companion Alicia?”

  “Yes, we went as far as The Favorite to have an ice cream,” Pochita is breathing hard. “But listen, really, do you know what all this stuff about Pantiland is about?”

  “About what?” Pantita’s hands, eyes, face are immobilized. “What did you say, sweetheart?”

  “Something dirty, it seems to me,” Pochita sighs, getting the breeze from the electric fan. “A few men were making off-color jokes in The Favorite about the women from—can you believe it, how funny—Pantiland. As if it came from Panta!”

  “A-a-chooo, hmmmmmm, pshhhh,” Pantita chokes, sneezes, coughs, his eyes tearing.

  “Take a little water,” Mother Leonor feels his forehead, hands him a handkerchief, raises his arms. “This happens to you because you eat too fast, I’m always telling you. Come on, a few slaps on the back, another sip of water.”

  6

  S S G F R I

  Instructions for Utilization Centers

  The Special Service for Garrisons, Frontier and Related Installations permits the circulation of these instructions, which, if strictly applied, will enable your unit to rationally and fruitfully take advantage of the SSGFRI and for this organization to complete its mission with efficacy and speed.

  1. As soon as he is alerted by the SSGFRI to the convoy’s arrival, the head of the unit will prepare the specialists’ locations, which should combine the following characteristics: roofed; not adjoining; provided with curtains, which protect from indiscreet viewing and assure dim light or darkness, as well as with oil lamps or electric lights supplied with red lampshades or covered with cloth or paper of said color if service is nocturnal. Each location will be equipped with: cot and straw or rubber mattress, covered with oilcloth or impermeable canvas and sheet; chair, bench or nail on which to hang clothing; chamber pot or receptacle that can serve as one, such as pail or large can; washbasin with its respective supply of clean water; a piece of soap; a towel; a roll of toilet paper; an irrigator with hose and nozzle. It is suggested that some feminine, aesthetic complement be added, such as a bouquet of flowers, an etching or an artistic drawing, to stamp the location with an attractive atmosphere. Although it is advisable for the unit to have the locations ready for the arrival of the specialists, the officer in charge may consult with the chief of convoy, who will offer him all the necessary assistance with the arrangement of the locations.

  2. The officer in charge will take every measure to assure that the convoy remains in his unit only for the time strictly necessary for the completion of its functions and that it does not prolong its stay without reason. From the time of its arrival until its departure, the members of the convoy must remain within the unit area. In no case whatsoever is it permitted for the specialists to have any contact with civilian elements in the neighboring localities or to fraternize with the noncommissioned officers and soldiers within the unit area beyond the service period. Before and after said period the specialists will remain quartered in their locations and may not share mess with the troops nor converse with the soldiers nor visit the fortress installations. So that the convoy’s presence may pass unperceived by the civilian element in the vicinity, it is advised that the entry of any outside person into the unit area be prohibited during the specialists’ stay in same. The unit is obligated to provide free lodging and three meals (breakfast, lunch and dinner) to all members of the convoy.

  3. It is advised that the coming of the convoy not be announced to the noncommissioned officers and soldiers until its actual arrival, since experience has shown that if the news is communicated beforehand an anxiety and nervousness spreads through the troops which demonstrably prejudices the completion of their duties. As soon as the convoy arrives, the head of the unit will establish a list of users, comprised of noncommissioned officers and soldiers, all of whom are to be authorized to request candidacy. Once the list of candidates is known, he will proceed to eliminate from the list those who suffer from any kind of infectious/contagious diseases and most especially those of a venereal sort (gonorrhea, chancres) and those infested with mites, bedbugs, lice, crabs and other types of body vermin. It is advised that candidates be made to pass a medical examination.

  4. Once the list is drawn up, the users will be made aware of the specialists present and will be ordered to state their preferences. Since, judging from experience, spontaneous selection never allows an equitable distribution of users among specialists, the head of the unit will employ the method he thinks best (drawing lots, merits and demerits according to service files) to divide users into equal groups for each specialist, keeping in mind that each specialist has the obligation to guarantee a minimum of ten services in each unit. In exceptional cases, where the number of users surpasses that figure, the principle of equity and symmetry will be eliminated, and a greater number of users will be assigned to the most requested or least fatigued specialist in the convoy.

  5. Once the groups are established, proceed to the drawing by lots of the order of entry for each user to the location. Controllers will be installed at the doors of same. The maximum time per service is twenty minutes. In exceptional cases, in those units where the number of users does not come up to the specialists’ minimum work figure (ten), the time per service may be extended to thirty minutes, but no longer in any case whatsoever. Ir the preliminary instructions, users should be informed that the service will be of the type considered normal, the specialist not being obliged to satisfy any demand of a strange or aberrant nature, unnatural fantasies, perversions or fetishistic whim. No user will be permitted to repeat the service either with the same or a different specialist.

  6. With the purpose of distracting and preparing users while they find themselves waiting their turn to enter the location, the chief of convoy will distribute to them adequate printed material of a photographic and literary nature, which, when the user enters the specialist’s location, must be returned to the controllers in the same condition in which it was received. The destruction or damaging of photos and texts will be punishable by fines and loss of future service from the SSGFRI.

  7. The SSGFRI will always strive to have the convoys arrive at the utilization centers so that services can be realized at the most convenient hours (late afternoon or night)—that is, when the daytime turns of duty are finished—but if that is not possible for reasons of time or distance, the head of the unit will allow the services to take place during the day and will not detain the convoy while waiting for darkness.

  8. Once the services are terminated, the head of the unit will send to the SSGFRI a carefully verified statistical report with the following data: (a) the exact number of users serviced by each specialist; (b) name and surname of each user with the number of his service file and the debit ticket corresponding to the deduction from his pay check; (c) a brief report on the behavior of convoy members (chief of convoy, specialists, transport personnel) during their stay in the unit; and (d) constructive criticism and suggestions for the improvement of the SSGFRI.

  [Signed]

  CAPT. (QUARTERMASTER) PANTALEÓN PANTOJA, PA

  Approved by Gen. Felipe Collazos

  Chief of Administration, Supply and Logistics of the Army

  Statistical Report

  Lagunas, 2 September 1957

  Capt. Alb
erto J. Mendoza, PA, is pleased to submit to the SSGFRI the following report on the passage of Convoy No. 16 through the Lagunas Encampment (Huallaga River) under his command:

  Convoy No. 16 arrived at the Lagunas Encampment on Thursday, 1 September, at 1500 hours, proceeding from Iquitos on the river transport Eve, and departed at 1900 hours of the same day in the direction of the Puerto Arturo Encampment (on the same Huallaga River). Madame Leonor Curinchila (Chuchupe) was in charge of the convoy composed of the specialists Dulce María, Lunita, Pichuza, Barbara, Penelope and Rita. In accordance with instructions, the 83 users were divided into six groups (five of fourteen men and one of thirteen), which were serviced by the aforementioned specialists within the time limit prescribed by regulations and to their total satisfaction. In view of the fact that the woman least requested by the troops was Dulce María, she was assigned the group of only thirteen men. Attached is the list of the 83 users with given name, surname, number of service file and ticket of deduction from payroll. Deportment of convoy while quartered in Lagunas was proper. Only one incident occurred: upon arrival of the transport, Reinaldino Chumbe Quisque recognized his maternal half-sister (the so-called Lunita) among the Special Service and proceeded to insult her and to administer corporal punishment to her, fortunately of mild consequences, before being restrained by the military police. Chumbe Quisque was denied servicing, and locked in the guardhouse with six days of hard labor for bad character and conduct, but was later granted amnesty from the second part of his punishment on appeal by his half-sister, Lunita, and the other specialists. The undersigned permits himself to suggest to the SSGFRI, an organization whose work all the noncommissioned officers and soldiers praise, that it study the possibility of increasing its services to the subofficers—since they have repeatedly requested this—and of creating a special corps of first-class specialists for single officers or for those with families living far from the region where they serve.